Change your love landscape this year
Updated: Feb 13, 2019
Valentine’s Day used to bring up an array of emotions in me when I was painfully single: hope, hopelessness, anticipation, sadness, excitement, despair and seriously green envy as I’d see flowers being walked across the office by a courier… only to be delivered to someone else’s desk. Of course it was much more than the red roses I wanted. I wanted my special someone, a partner who I adored and who adored me with all my foibles. Someone who wanted to choose me as their one and only. Someone who would reliably be there for me and have my back. Someone I felt safe and secure with, and whom I could trust. I'd never had that.
At the time, I felt like there was nothing I could do to alter the disappointing state of my love life between Valentine’s Days, but now I know that’s not true.
As a love and relationship coach, I have discovered a tried and trusted, productive and structured 8-session process to transform your love life, from the inside out. Known as Calling in “The One”, the process looks to discover and remove the unconscious internal obstacles to love… those deep beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns that are keeping love at bay, even though you really want to be in a committed relationship. Calling in “The One” reveals the covert and subtle ways that we unknowingly work against ourselves. It's these principles that I used to change how I was showing up in life and relationships... which ultimately helped me find that beautiful, reliable love.
In this blog post, I’ll reveal some of the primary ways you might be getting in your own way and tell you what you need to work on to dramatically increase your chances of having a great partner by your side next Valentine’s Day.
If you’re ready to put old hurts to rest and say goodbye to painful relationship patterns so that you’re free to call in your best-ever relationship, read on… and get to work! And check the end of this post for my Valentine's Day gift for you!
Prepare for love
There are two powerful check-points at the start of changing the landscape of your love life. The first is to get clear about the type of person and relationship you want. Most of us “look” for love without ever really asking ourselves who or what we’re looking for. Consider what are the most important qualities you want in your life partner. Do you want a kind-hearted man? A vivacious and wholehearted woman? An earthy and honest soul. An adventurous spirit? And what is the nature of the relationship and life you want to have with this person. Is wildly exciting, solidly bonded, full of chemistry and deep love?
Next you need to identify what’s the pattern that happens repeatedly in your previous relationships and then look with eyes wide open to see what part you’ve been playing in this. This is a hugely powerful part of changing your future in relationships. Ask yourself, what’s the thing that keeps happening? Do they always leave you? Are you in raptures at the start and then quickly lose interest once you have them? Are you invisible and no-one ever chooses you? Now, what’s at least one thing you can see that you’ve been doing to perpetuate that pattern? Maybe you abandon yourself and meld with your partner, suffocating them so they want to leave. Do you throw yourself into a relationship quickly and go off them once you get to know them? Do you assume that other women are more interesting than you? Now you’ve seen that, what can do you differently to start to change your experience?
Complete the past
The past doesn’t determine your future in love, you do. And this is where that starts. Forming a great relationship with someone new can be hugely challenging if what you’re holding onto from the past or doing in the present is inconsistent with the future relationship you want to have. Clearing these unconscious blocks and barriers to love is imperative if you want to clear the way for someone new to come into your life. Perhaps there’s FWB that you’re hooking up with? Maybe you’re still angry with an ex who smashed your heart? Are you trying to keep your family happy in who you date? Do you have toxic people in your life? Or are you a toxic person? All of these things need to be attended to and released so that you’re internally and behaviourally consistent with the future relationship you want. If you don’t deal with these things, these unconscious factors will rear their ugly heads when you least expect it, causing you to call in the wrong types of people or push away the right ones.
Transform your core beliefs
Your core beliefs – the beliefs you hold about yourself, your relationship to others and your beliefs about life itself – have significant sway over what you can accomplish in relationships. Most of the time we’re not even aware we these beliefs that are driving what we do and don’t do and what we expect or put up with. By making these beliefs conscious and then willfully challenging them, you cease to be at their cruel mercy. To pinpoint your core beliefs, think about what goes through your mind when a disappointment happens again (apart from, what an a**hole he turned out to be!”). What do you tell yourself? That you’re not good enough and that no man will ever choose you? That you’re not safe in love and you can’t trust anybody? That you’re all alone and no-one is there for you and life is exhausting?
To disempower these beliefs you need to begin to willfully challenge them. Start by questioning the validity of the beliefs that you’ve been holding. Ís it really that I’m not good enough? Really?? Then try simply stating the truth. For example, I AM good enough and there IS someone out there who will love me for who I am. I’m NOT alone – there are people who actually love and support me when I ask. Say it with as much conviction and belief as you can.
Then, plan what you’re going to do differently to sponsor that truth… that you ARE enough or that you DO matter. How will life look if I start treating myself like I’m enough, or like I’m not actually alone in this world? What would I do differently? Then actually do something different.
Become magnetic to the right person
Having begun to transform the beliefs that have held you back in love, you can now actively start to envision the relationship that you want. Close your eyes and allow yourself to let your mind go wild. What type of partner and relationship have you been almost to scared to ask for? Imagine that relationship in as much florid, sensory detail as you can. See who you are in that relationship, too. How are you interacting with your partner, how do you feel? What choices are you making? Then ask yourself, what would I need to let go of from my life to be that version of me? And then, what would I need to learn or develop to be that version of me? What’s something I can do today to take me in that direction? Asking these questions will start to inform how you need a tweak yourself to have that kind of love.
BE “the One”
Some of you intuitively know that really, it’s our relationship with ourselves that needs to come under the microscope. You already have a sense that someone’s inability or unwillingness to commit to you is related to your inability or unwillingness to fully commit to and accept yourself, your feelings, needs and desires. Right? Our relationships with others can really only be as good as our relationship with ourselves.
If you were to upgrade your relationship with yourself right now, what would you do? Start by finding some of the ways that you’ve been unkind or disrespectful to yourself. Maybe you’ve been waiting round for too long for that someone you adore to finally choose you? Maybe you’ve neglecting your body or mistreating yourself with harsh diets or alcohol? Maybe your inner critic has been out of control? These are just some ways your tenuous commitment to yourself might be evident.
Make a commitment right now to start treating yourself as you would your most prized best friend – with consummate kindness, compassion and respect. This type of commitment will inspire others to treat you with the same positive regard.
Learn to generate love
We don’t “find” love as much as we bring the love into a relationship by who we are and what we do. Becoming a love generator starts with creating a foundation of happiness in your life from which to give love and receive love. It’s about cultivating a state of wellbeing and happiness to attract happy, healthy love. What are the things that make you happy that you haven’t been doing lately? What passions have you been keeping in the wings to indulge in when you meet your special someone that you can start indulging in now? By becoming a happier and more loving person now, you’re more likely to encounter happier, more loving people. And you’ll contribute more good feeling and good will to all of your relationships.
If, more than anything, you wanted to ski the French alps this year, would you passively wait for someone to come knocking with your renewed passport and a ticket to Grenoble? Probably not! My guess if you’d take action, so if you really want your best chance of meeting someone amazing this year, what can you do? You might think you’ve exhausted every possibility, but you haven’t. Ask yourself, what new and bold choices can I make today/this week/month/or year to increase my chances of meeting someone great. For example try a different class as the gym, join a tour group to somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, say “yes, please” to blind dates, read a self-help book… or get some help from a professional.
There is always something to do. For one of my clients, the decision to become proactive in her life and love-life came with making the mental shift from being a passenger on the bus of life to moving up the front to be the driver. She wanted to be the driver of her own bus of life. When will you start the move towards the front of the bus?
I am Angela Barrett - a psychotherapist and one of only two certified Calling in “The One” and Conscious Uncoupling coaches in Australia. I do this “love work” every day with clients around Australia, guiding them through this process of transformation and change over a period of eight weeks. My clients are intelligent and successful professionals just like you, who experience the pain and indignity of not being able to work out the relationship “thing”. Time and time again I’ve seen people have huge shifts in their love life by delving deeply into this process.
If you want to feel empowered, encouraged and confident in your love life; if you’d like someone to walk beside you on this path and to gently but powerfully point out the potholes and roads to nowhere; if you want personalised coaching and accountability from a qualified and passionate professional, take advantage of my Valentine’s Day gift to you.
For the next two weeks, I am offering a 25% discount off my 8-session coaching package. To apply for this limited-offer discounted package, email My Valentine’s Day Gift This offer is available until February 28, 2019.